This past Monday I had coffee with a friend I haven’t seen since I was married. In fact, the last time I saw her was when we were hanging out with my ex-husband. Since I haven’t been married to him for almost four years now, that’s kindof saying something.
I didn’t really know what to expect. I wasn’t sure if we would talk about my ex, or if we even should. What, exactly, was the protocol here? Were we supposed to pretend he didn’t exist, or directly acknowledge the elephant in the room and invite it to join us for coffee?
I haven’t done the rather awkward “first conversation” in a while. In about four years.
So I felt that familiar resurgence of shame and guilt, and thereby resorted to my familiar throwaway line of “I’m a terrible person.” I said it often four years ago, and several times in the years since when discussing my divorce. After all, I’d rather be the one to say it than to hear the same words from a friend. Self-flagellation is a strange form of self-defense. It hurts less to berate ourselves. We’re used to the negative attitude. We hear similar phrases all the time from our inner destructive demons, so often that we come to expect nothing less from ourselves.
“You’re a terrible person.”
“You’re not a good artist.”
“You suck at writing.”
“You’re bad in bed.”
“You’re boring.”
“Your laugh is dumb.”
“Why can’t you do anything right?”
“Why are you like this?"
“No one really likes you.”
I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard these things countless times. And all of these horribly mean things came from only one person: myself.
Well, from those dumb inner demons, at least.
No one has ever told me actually told me any of those things. (Actually, my ex-husband had a few colorful variations on that first one, but that comes with the territory.)
And my friend, when I used my preferred emotional self-defense tactic for the second time, exclaimed: “Stop saying that!”
She’s right. I should stop saying it. I should stop saying all of those terrible things to myself.
You should stop saying them too. I hear you out there telling others how you’re not enough, how you’re less than you should be. I see the self-deprecating Facebook posts. And I want to channel my friend’s exclamation and scream “Stop saying that!”
Words have incredible power, no matter what the old rhyme says, and they have even more power when the words originate from inside ourselves. Others may have the ability to wear our self-worth down over time, though we do at least usually start out with a sense of indignation when someone else tries to put us down. But when our own inner voice tells us that we suck? We tend to roll over in submission and agree with no argument whatsoever. Yes, Dumb Inner Demon, you’re right, I AM a terrible person. I AM fat. I AM ugly. I SHOULD stop doing something I love, because I’m no good at it.
And I have just one thing to say: to you, to myself, to my Dumb Inner Demon.
STOP.
SAYING.
THAT.
Can you even imagine the freedom you would feel if you could mute that horrible inner voice, if you could just enjoy your life, your hobbies, your own body?
This is not to say that critique and improvement should be dismissed. But they shouldn’t be all-important, or all-consuming. None of us are perfect, all of us are learning and changing and constantly making mistakes. Be compassionate towards each other.
But, above all, be compassionate to yourself. Stop being your own worst critic and start being your own cheerleader.
I’m not a terrible person. I’m a person, who made (and continually makes) mistakes.
I’m not a terrible person. It’s physically hard to type that and not hit the “delete” key until it all goes away again. I’m so used to saying it, as a joke, as an excuse, as self-defense.
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