Quite frankly, I think it's time to do the Time Warp again. (Quite frankly. Get it? Get it?)
Anyway.
I’m currently struggling with the near-constant feeling of not having enough time. Does anyone else have this problem? For example:
- I don’t have enough time to spend in bed in the morning.
- I don’t have time to work out in the morning (or the evening).
- I don’t have enough time to sew in the morning before work.
- I don’t have enough time at work (it’s slower right now, so this one isn’t as bad as usual).
- I don’t have enough time to go home and make dinner.
- I don’t have enough time with my husband.
- I don’t have enough time to work on all the projects I’m working on, or want to work on.
- I don’t have enough time to clean our house.
- I don’t have enough time to hang out with my friends.
- I don’t have enough time to write, or blog, or read.
- I don’t have enough time in the evening before it’s time for bed.
- I don’t have enough time to sleep.
I can’t guarantee that this is all necessarily true. But I can guarantee that it’s exactly how I feel. And I can say for a fact that I’ve begun to feel a sudden wave of dread anytime someone asks me for more of my time. (It's an Introvert Thing.)
- My mom wants me to come over and go through old photos or (Insert Family Activity Here). Dread.
- My friends plan an outing or event. Dread (followed by wanting to go, followed by dread, followed by wanting to go, followed by...).
- I get scheduled for an event at work. Dread.
- Mark asks if I have ideas for dinner. Dread (followed by an irrational desire for Mexican food).
- *I* want to go to a show, or a movie, or to an event, or on a trip. Dread.
It’s getting a little out of hand. And it doesn’t help that I recently started sewing, acquired a huge collection of patterns and fabric, and now want to do nothing but stay home and make myself a brand new wardrobe.
But even putting my newest hobby aside, the dread and feeling of never having any time still hovers ominously over me. I’ve taken to watching the hours spin recklessly by at night, or on the weekends, counting down until it’s time to go to bed, or time to go to work. Where did the time go, I think? I just got home. We just finished eating. We just cleaned up dishes. How can it be so late? Why can’t I have more time?
Not coincidentally, I think, I’ve also been feeling more anxious lately. I irrationally think something bad is going to happen. I’m having trouble going to sleep because my mind suddenly starts up a litany of worries against the backdrop of whatever song is currently stuck in my head (unfortunately, it's usually "Everything is Awful" by the Decemberists). And I’ve been waking in the middle of the night for no reason, then convincing myself that the reason I woke up is that I heard something.
Basically, I’m getting to be a bit of a mess. And, because of all the above-mentioned bullshit, I’m not enjoying my life as much as I’m accustomed to. Which is pretty much everything I’m against.
Since my separation and divorce from my first husband, I’ve pretty much pledged to enjoy my life and not wallow in self-pity. And being stressed out and anxious and always upset that I don’t have more time is a bit wallow-y and really isn’t very enjoyable. Believe me.
But what to do about it?
I can’t take a week, or a month, or half a year off work to try to “catch up.” Besides, I don’t actually think catching up is humanly possible. Even if I miraculously finished all the things on my To Do list, there will always be something else to do. Hell, even if I achieve my dream of one day becoming a stay at home dog mom (which would also require us getting a dog), there would never be a lack of things to do. And there would never be more hours available to do those things. If I had but world enough and time for all the things I want to do, let's face it... I'd just find more things I'd want to do. (This is also why I don't understand people who get bored when they retire.)
Also? I can't go back in time. If I could, then Current Me could go and wake up Past Me so that she would be a more productive member of society and Current Me would then feel better about her life. There is just the very minor problem that I have thus far not been able to time travel. At least, not until I find a Doctor or a DeLorean.
So that seems to point to the fact that the actual problem is, well... me. Or, at the very least, my mindset is the problem. For starters, it’s incredibly negative.
I don’t like being negative.
I am, however, remarkably good at being negative. It’s not the best combination.
And really, being negative about my own life is the opposite of productive. By constantly feeling that sense of “never enough,” by bemoaning what I feel I don’t have, I’m creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of discontentment and frustration. I’m shooting myself in the foot, setting myself up for failure, etc, etc, etc.
I do have enough time. I have the same amount of time everyone has. But maybe, just maaaaybe, I don’t always make the best use of it. I do, I admit, have a significant number of bad habits I’ve fallen into lately.
- I look at my phone too much.
- I stay in bed too long.
- I waste time instead of being creative and productive.
- I focus on what I’m not getting done instead of all the things I have actually gotten accomplished.
- I make excuses
- I have an overall negative attitude that’s honestly getting annoying to myself.
So Ashley, I tell myself. Cut it out. Bring back that girl who’s happy and positive and kick out this negative bitch who complains all the time. Who needs her?
Right?
There’s only one problem (and here’s your spoiler alert, so watch out): they’re both the same girl.
That being the case, it’s probably best I settle for a compromise: a happy bitch who complains only occasionally. I think that’s a reasonable goal, don’t you? She sounds like most of my friends.
In the meantime, I’m trying to figure out how to better manage my time (and mindset). All suggestions welcome.
(Complaints and bitching are also welcome, because really, no one likes someone who’s too damn happy all the damn time. See above comment about most of my friends.)
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