Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Let's Taco 'Bout It

When in doubt, tacos fix everything.

At least, that seems to be the case this week, so I'm just going to assuming this is a multi-platform solution.

It hasn't been the greatest week, again.  Thunder's trial adoption did not go well, to say the least, so I picked him up on Sunday.  He was pleased.  I was annoyed, as pictured below:

Furthermore, last week's funk carried over into this week, leaving me somewhat of a depressed mess by the time Monday came around.

I slept a lot over the weekend.  I mostly failed at accomplishing much of anything besides baking challah for the first time.

I started taxes on Saturday.  I encountered problems with said taxes.

I finished taxes on Monday afternoon, which is when I realized that I made 10 grand less in 2015 than I did in 2014.  Which is understandable, as I was mostly unemployed for part of the year.  But it reminded me again, and so very acutely, that I'm more than getting by on a significantly smaller amount of money than at any time while I was married and allegedly had money problems.  (Well, I did have at least one actual money problem, but it was the problem I married.)

It still completely baffles and infuriates me how it's possible that I have more money now on one, smaller, salary than I did for years on two similar and larger salaries.  In January alone I spent several thousand dollars on new stuff, a car repair, and basically a new winter wardrobe.  And I went on an out-of-the-country vacation.  And I still can afford things and pay my bills.  I could never have done that while I was married.  Never.  Maybe the car repair.


There just... was never any money.  And I still don't get it.  I just don't.  I don't know where it went.

And, really, I never will know.  And I need to get over that.  Obviously not today.  But maybe one day.

(Honestly, I wasn't going to dwell on this, but there are apparently two things that are certain in my life: divorce and taxes.)

Regardless, those thoughts did not help the mini-depression, and the mini-depression did not help the thoughts, and so I was not in a great state when Mark got home.

Unfortunately, neither of us really knows how to deal with me when I'm feeling sad and sorry for myself.  This isn't surprising.  I don't know what I want; how is anyone else supposed to know?  I want to be alone but don't want to be left alone.  I want to be held but don't want to be pitied and therefore act stand-offish.  I want to wallow and I want to snap out of it.  I don't want to talk about it, because I'm not even sure what there is to talk about, so I bottle everything up until I pass the breaking point.

It's ridiculous and probably why I used to drink to deal with it, because I don't have any better ideas on what to do.

In lieu of alcohol, Mark resorted to holding me until I finally cried, and then buying me tacos.

Because what else is there to do when your girlfriend is depressed for no apparent reason?

Well, it worked.  We went to Taco Circus.  We ate tacos.  We came home and watched Today's Special on Netflix (a great little film that I highly recommend) and snuggled on the couch.

And so I have arrived at the brilliant conclusion that tacos fix everything (which I have already suspected before now).

Okay.  Obviously, it's not just the tacos (though really, they're amazing tacos, so their contribution should not be overlooked).  It's spending quality time with the person I love.  It's physical touch.  It's being alone together.  It's being forced to break down and be vulnerable and cry even though I hate it. 

Basically, he followed the steps of "How to Care for a Sad Person" without realizing it (minus rolling me up like sushi).

Thankfully, I've been better the past two days (though we had Mexican again last night, just in case).

However, now Thunder seems to have caught whatever weird vibes have been going around.  Or he's just mad that I tried to get rid of him.  Or that he hasn't gotten any tacos.

Can't say I blame him.  Because if you haven't been to Taco Circus, like Thunder, you probably should go.  It's the best little hole-in-the-wall street taco place I've been to in the area.  We keep meaning to try the burrito (which is allegedly enormous), but keep getting stuck on the Tour de Taco (we substitute one ground beef taco for a second pork), because it's perfect to split.  They've got a whole fridge full of sauces, including a Burnie Sanders sauce, and pretty addicting queso.

So there it is.  Taxes, depression, tips on dealing with sad people, and a taco shop review, all in one blog.  Even I didn't see that coming.

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