And do I even begin to describe how many tabs it feels like I have open in my brain? Because it's way more than 16.
The ironic thing is that never before in my life have I been so invested in self-care, in methods of relaxation and mindfulness. I've been doing yoga almost daily since the middle of January. I've been taking a relaxing bath (complete with wine) every Friday for about a month. I've been taking care of my skin, drinking a lot of water, and we've even started throwing in some lavender aromatherapy melts into our nightly shower. I should be blissfully relaxed, floating around on a pleasant-smelling cloud of divine and glowing happiness.
Instead? My shoulders have ached for days. I've developed frequent headaches. My appetite is rapidly deserting me. Mark's blood pressure is way up.
Why, you ask? Why on earth are two such usually-happy and fairly content lovebirds so rapidly descending into a state similar to a dangerously frayed wire?
That's an easy one.
A. We're buying a house.
B. We're moving.
C. We're getting married.
Did I mention this is all happening in under 60 days (for the most part in under 30)?
Excuse me while I hyperventilate, laugh a little too loudly and a little too nervously, and then go hide under the covers until people stop asking me questions.
I'm breathing. Really.
Shockingly, not everything has been going according to plan. Mainly that while buying a house from a family member certainly has its many perks, it also has a very significant number of downfalls. A very, very significant number.
Right now, the apartment is in a state of disrepair. My books (over 20 boxes) are packed and gone, we have a list of furniture we're (hopefully) moving over tomorrow, and I have a LOT to go through, get rid of, organize, and pack.
I am ridiculously looking forward to this all being done, to finally being in a home of our own, married, and living our life together full time. I'm excited about hanging up pictures, about a new oven and fridge, about having a garage, and about getting to set up a home together in a new and fresh place. I'm thrilled to no longer have to deal with a rental company and to get to come home to my love every single night.
I'm also panicking about getting it all done in time, worrying if something else is going to go wrong, trying to pick a caterer for the wedding, needing to finish up invitations, and and and...
Ultimately, I do believe everything is going to work out. I do. It's going to be stressful as hell in the meantime, but I believe we'll get there. We've made it so far, right? We've made it through almost a a decade and a half of friendship, through my divorce, through losing my job, through my learning how to be a stepmother-in-training, and through over two years of mostly living together. What's two more months of last-minute major life changes?
(Not coincidentally, everyone has decided that if we can make it through the next two months, we can definitely survive marriage. Nothing like trial by fire, am I right?)
Mark asked me the other day how we got to this point. I told him that 13 years ago I showed up at a community theatre audition, that's how.
Okay, it might not have been quite what he was asking, but it's true nonetheless.
I never could have dreamed that we would be at this point. I never imagined that my completely insane love-at-first-sight reaction at age 18 would lead to a second marriage, a move back to Illinois, to buying a house together. The most I hoped for at the time was that he thought I was cute and that he wouldn't notice that I was the most awkward girl on the planet. I'm ridiculously lucky in that I've gotten all that and more. (Okay, he's probably realized I'm the most awkward girl on the planet by now, but at least he doesn't seem to mind too much.)
Am I more stressed than I've been since my divorce? Yes. Have I cried? Yes. Am I going to cry more? Probably.
But is it all going to be worth it?
To quote one of my all-time favorite lines of dialogue, "Abso-fucking-lutely."